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X-RATED JOKES

OK - here goes!
These jokes are a little saucy and come with a warning that if you're easily offended, you might want navigate away from here.


BJ FROM THE WIFE...

The Mrs swallowed after a blow job for the first time in 5 years last night.......I wonder if it's a sign she's coming out of her coma?

THAT 'EPILEPTIC IN THE BATH' JOKE...

I was in the pub the other day telling that old joke about "What do you do if you see an epileptic have a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing!" We were all having a good laugh about this when someone tapped me on the shoulder and said "Excuse me mate but I dont find that funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit." I said "Im ever so sorry mate, did he drown?" "No" he said "he choked on a sock"

GRANDDAUGHTER ON HER WAY TO SCHOOL...

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is? 5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandad. When he had a bad cold his wife took her. That night she told
her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!! "What made it different?" asked her parents.
"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head, Asian prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

EROTIC TIME WITH THE WIFE...

Tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

A DWARF WITH A LISP...

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?' The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, pulls him out. The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that... 'Can I see her wun awound?

<Supplied by David Jack>


THREE KINGS

Teacher: Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered: Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

<Supplied by Mark Smit>


THE GYNAECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

<Supplied by Mark Smit>


NUDISTS

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'The man replies, 'No, what do you mean? 'She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he
farts.....Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and
has his way with him.The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.''But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!

<Supplied by Mark Smit>


BLEACH BLONDE

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. 
The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." 
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my a**hole bleached! 
"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

<Supplied by Mark Smit>


HOT

An old woman said to her hubby: "My nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago. 
The hubby replies: "yeah, because ones in your coffee and the other is in your porridge!"

<Supplied by Richard LeRiche>


ENGLISH SPEAKING DOCTOR

On holiday in Spain recently I saw a sign saying "English speaking Doctor". I thought "What a good idea; I wonder why they dont have them in our bloody country"

<Supplied by Maggie>


CATHOLIC PRIEST AND A GUINNESS

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

<Supplied by Maggie>


PADDY ON A PLANE

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

<Supplied by Maggie>


PADDY & MICK

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

<Supplied by Maggie>


LONDON JOB CENTRE

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in London and sees card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.

The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies."Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"There's a starting annual salary of £85,000,.....................but you're going to have to go to Glasgow .."

"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "That's where the end of the queue is."

<Supplied by Mark>


MEDICAL DISTINCTION

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts
to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

<Supplied by Mark>


ABDULLAH

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" says Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah says with a big smile... "There's a musician here. He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab."

<Supplied by Mark>


LITTLE EDWARD AT SCHOOL

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc. but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is
really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Edward, 'He plays football for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.

<Supplied by Maggie>


A QUART OF TEQUILA, PIT BULL & OLD LADY

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, “What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

<Supplied by Stephen>


THE LITTLE GIRL ON THE CONSTRUCTION SITE

This is a lovely story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.
The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, ' Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?'

The little girl thought for a moment and said...

'I think so.. Provided those wankers at Jewson's deliver the fucking bricks...

<Supplied by Stephen>


CRICKET-CAL WIFE

A man watching a cricket game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife..
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said, "you already know how to play cricket!

<Supplied by David>


HYPNOTIST BLUNDER

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled “Fuck me!!”
….what happened next will haunt me forever!!

<Supplied by Irene>


FRANK'S BEAR-BACK HUNTING

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough $ex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough $ex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

<Supplied by Mark>


ONE FOR THE GIRLS

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

<Supplied by Mark>


A CHARITY PHONECALL

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to F*** off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

<Supplied by Maggie>


INDIANS DON'T USE SADDLES

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An Navaho on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-H-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-H-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles!'

<Supplied by Irene>


A HEART WARMING STORY

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at St. Kilda, Victoria.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, "she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life..
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied. "How did you know my name is Katz?"

<Supplied by Mark>