© 1997 - 2008

Here's the Jokes Page... and it starts with the absolute pinnacle (in my opinion) of the classic stand-up comedians and master of delivery with one-liners, Tommy Cooper.

Where there are names indicating who supplied the joke, it is credit to that person for supplying the joke and is not suggesting that the person named is the writer or creator of the joke supplied.

Got a joke for waynealton.com - send it to us and we'll put it in here and credit your name next to it (subject to approval).

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other: "Your round.”

The other one says: "So are you, you fat bastard"

Two cannibals eating a clown.

One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.  Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?'

"No thanks," says the blind bloke... "Just looking.'"

'Cos it's strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.  But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

He said: "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought 'that's a turn-up for the books.'

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said: "Do you earn a living doing that?"

He said: "Yes, this my livelihood."

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me: "Can you give me a lift?"

I said: "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said: "I want to buy an ice-cream."

He said: "Hundreds and thousands?"

I said: 'We'll start with one."

He said: "Knickerbocker Glory?"

I said: "I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes."

I went to Millets and said: "I want to buy a tent."

He said: "To camp?"

I said (butchly): "Sorry, I want to buy a tent."

I said: "I also want to buy a caravan."

He said: "Camper?"

I said: (camp-ly) "Oh make your mind up."

So I went to the dentist. He said: "Say Aaah." I said: "Why?" He said: "My dog's died.'"

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me: "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said: "Who's speaking please?"

And a voice said: "You are."

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: "Is that the local swimming baths?"

He said: "It depends where you're calling from."

So I rang up a local building firm, I said: "I want a skip outside my house."

He said: "I'm not stopping you."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said: "You've been promoted."  And I swerved.  And then he rang up a second time and said: "You've been promoted again."  And I swerved again.  He rang up a third time and said: "You're Managing Director." And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said: "What happened to you?"

And I said: "I careered off the road."

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
 

Chinese proverbs

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter said, "I am sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man’s slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen. “You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanour of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of.”
“Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir,” said the handsome young man.
“I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours,” said the agent.
“Sir?”
“Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That’s not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I’d love to represent you, but you’ll have to change your name.”

“Sir,” the handsome young man protested. “The Van Lesbian name was my Father’s, my grandfather’s and his father’s name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason.”
“If you won’t change your name, I cannot represent you young man.”
“Then I bid you farewell-my name will not change.” With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

Five years later...the Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail, mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like.  There was one letter.  He opened the envelope and removed the letter.  As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars!
He read the letter:

Dear Sir:
Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor.  You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office.  However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavoured to change my name.  Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.
Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks,
 
Very Sincerely Yours,
 
Dick Van Dyke

There was a man who really took care of his body.  He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.  One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis.  So he decided to do something about that.  He went to the beach, completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along.  Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to poke the penis with her cane.  She turned to the other little old lady and said, "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied, "When I was 20, I was curious about it.  When I was 30, I enjoyed it.  When I was 40, I asked for it.  When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it.  When I was 70, I forgot about it.  Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for two weeks.  The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."  

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.  "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says.  "Did you follow my instructions?" 

The blonde nods.  "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." 

“From hunger, you mean?"  asked the doctor. 

"No, from skipping."

There's this blonde out for a walk.  She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.  "Yoo-hoo" she shouts  "How can I get across to the other side?"  The second blonde looks up the river then down the
river and the shouts back,  "You are on the other side."

Three tampons walking down the road, maxi, mini and regular.  Which one says ‘hello?’  None of them, they all stuck up c***s.

2 deaf lesbians walking down the street, both got each other’s hands down each other’s knickers.  What are they doing?  Lip reading?

Got a joke for waynealton.com - send it to us and we'll put it in here and credit your name next to it (subject to approval).

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.  The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies... “well, you see that 3 pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.”

The son then asks his father, “well what’s the 6 pack for?”

The father replies, well that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.”

Then the son asks his father, “what’s the 12 pack for?”

The father replies, “well that’s for when you’re  married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March...”

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.  After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall,200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.  What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight
lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke ?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five  times."

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.  So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach
for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only 19.95?"
"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture.

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.  She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your washcloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

 A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth." The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

Schwartzenegger has a big one.
Michael J.  Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use his.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
George Burns' was hot.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's What is it?

Answer..?  "A Last Name."
And you thought I was going to say something dirty!

A middle-aged woman seemed timid as she visited her gynaecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!  There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..." said the woman.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," said the woman, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of  pennies."
"Mmm, I see," said the doctor.
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh," the doctor said as he got more and more interested in her story.
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored.  "I'm
scared out of my wits!"
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There,there., It's nothing to be frightened about."
 

He said....  "You're simply going through the change.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants  to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

The  mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.  "What are  you doing?" she asked. 

"I'm waiting for my husband to  come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. 

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. 

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. 

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy, and it makes me happy. I  would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put  on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What in the world are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Well it needs ironing! What's for supper?"

The phone call

(((ring)))

(((ring-g-g-g-g)))

***pick up***

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy.... is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank!"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank honey!"

"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"

Uh, Okay, then... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

''Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and >ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out >the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and >he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."

***long pause***

***more pause****

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool????  Is this 555-7039?"

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

In the sunset years of his of married life, a man finds suddenly that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him " This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, The psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." and he refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. So he's lying in bed with her and says "123" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say "123" for?"

Will Young, Robbie Williams and Kylie are on a night out. They all get pissed and on the way out of a club, Kylie trips over and goes head first into some railings getting her head stuck. Robbie being a cheeky monkey decides to lift up Kylies skirt and give her one. When he's finished he grins at Will and says "Your turn now mate". Will bursts into tears, so Robbie says "What's wrong Will?".
Will replies, "I'll never fit my head through those railings."

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house!

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?
"Oh that crazy old fool!" she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in January.

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Bob. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in the cage.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the f**king beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Got a joke for waynealton.com - send it to us and we'll put it in here and credit your name next to it (subject to approval).

This bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles, one is already occupied. So he enters the other one, closes the door, drops 'em and sits down.
A voice then comes from the cubicle next to him "G'day mate, how are you going?"

Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the guy replies "Yeh, not too bad thanks" After a short pause, he hears the voice again.
"So, what are you up to mate? Again answering reluctantly, but unsure what to say, replies "Amm, just having a quick crap. How about yourself?"
He then hears the voice for the 3rd time..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some poofter next to me answering all my questions"

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00 . . . "
"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops: "Gotta warn ya... There's gonna be some drinkin."
"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops: "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says; "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door: "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says: "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

Two guys were in a rowing boat in the Florida Everglades when an alligator comes alongside them with its mouth wide open. "Watch this!" says guy number 1, and takes his appendage out of his trousers and rubs it several times on the roof of the gator's mouth and on its tongue. Then he pulls it out just as the jaws snap shut. The 2nd guy is speechless at what he has just seen. "Would you like to try it?" says guy 1 to guy 2.

"I'd love to," says guy2; "but I can't open my mouth that wide!"

New procedures
Please note that with the arrival of new' Drive-Thru' cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car to the machine.
3. Restart the stalled engine.
4. Wind window down.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat, to locate card.
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine, due to its excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary, with your PIN written on the inside cover.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash
18. Place receipt in back of check book.
19. Drive forward two meters.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
23. Drive for 3 to 4 miles.
24. Release handbrake.

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,, so for his birthday she takes him on a surprise visit to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets than and says: "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to the club before. "Oh no" says Dave, "He's on my bowling team"
When they are seated a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says: "You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser", "No honey, she's in the Ladies bowling team, we share the same lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave, "Hi Davey," she says: "want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife now furious grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns around and says: "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, And I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned: "But sweety, that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?'
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth, looked up and then slowly replied, drawing out each word: "That's because he's inside your f**king cat."

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt sitting there.
"You talk," he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, " Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some under cover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed ! He goes back in and ask the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, " Ten dollars."
The guy says, " This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap "?
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t."

THE ROOSTER
The priest in a small village was very fond of the rooster and 10 hens he kept out the back of the parish house. One Saturday night, the rooster went missing and the priest suspected it had been stolen.  The next day at the morning mass he asked the congregation "Has anyone got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No" the priest said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anyone seen a cock?"  All the women stood up.
"No!" He said with a hint of annoyance.  "That was not what I meant. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No!!" he said angrily.  "That wasn't what I meant either.  HAS ANYONE SEEN MY COCK?"
All the choirboys stood up.

An ugly man walks into his local bar with a big grin on his face.  "What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman. 

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.  "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night,
all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head!"

1. Why do men become smarter during sex?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. Why don't' women blink during foreplay?
(they don't have enough time)
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapour lock)
5. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
6. Why did God make men before women?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
(don't know...... it never happened)
8. Why did God put men on earth?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Got a joke for waynealton.com - send it to us and we'll put it in here and credit your name next to it (subject to approval).

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. These are our rules:-

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE AS THEY ARE ALL THE ONE GOLDEN RULE.
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh... Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years.  After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room.  The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.  The first guy says: “I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy.   He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel.  He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.” The second guy says: “Damn, that's terrific!  My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travel agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third guy says: “Well, well, well congratulations!!  My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire.  He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion especially for his friend.” 

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons.  The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked:  “What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?”

One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.” And then he asked; “What about your son?” 

The forth man replied: “My son is gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said: “What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.”  The fourth man replied: “No, I am not ashamed. Not  at all.  He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy.  And he is very lucky too... did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?”

A Dad sees his young lad coming home one day smiling all over his face.  The Dad says: "Son, how come you're so happy?" 

The young lad replies: "Dad I've had sex for the first time."

Dad says: "Son, I'm proud of you, is there anything you're unsure of and want to ask me?"

The lad says: "Yes Dad... how soon 'til my bum stops hurting?"

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street wean they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

Ford have made a new car... yeah... it's the "Ford Pubic..." it's made up from some old Corsairs.

Computers: Masculine or Feminine?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ''chalk'' or ''pencil,'' she described, would have a gender association. For example: House is feminine -- ''la'' maison. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, ''What gender is a computer?''
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other of the men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine (le) gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Got a joke for waynealton.com - send it to us and we'll put it in here and credit your name next to it (subject to approval).

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks:

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two Chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.  Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lion says "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

Two newlyweds turn up at the hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have any reservations?" and the bride replies that she's not sure about taking it up the arse.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
"The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure I can't be tellin' you, Father.  I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, So you may as well.  Tell me now.  Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.  "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months.  Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.  His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads" says Tommy. (Supplied by Maggie Webb)

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."  The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the Curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked" (Supplied by Maggie Webb)

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?  The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.  In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only! (Supplied by Joel Korn)

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted, have you ever thought about that.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed now that everyone has a camcorder, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Why is it that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the '60s, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it look nicer !!!

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.

I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

The older you get, the less value there is in a lifetime guarantee!!! (Supplied by Kate Gardener)

Pregnancy, Estrogens, and Women
PREGNANCY Q and A!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is quite enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?!
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "child maintenance" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. 'Everyone' around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk 'every' last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can'! t believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip 'without' trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow !!!
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN  (Supplied by Kate Gardener)

Got a joke for waynealton.com - send it to us and we'll put it in here and credit your name next to it (subject to approval).

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.  So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.  A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out.  Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her " ...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!" (Supplied by Kate Gardener)

How to Give A Cat A Tablet:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly this time with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f...... cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little b'stard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give A Dog A Tablet:
1) Wrap it in bacon. (Supplied by Vicki Gardener)

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.  After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said: "I'm not sure, maybe she choked!" (Supplied by Kate Gardener)

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window
to write the number on".

Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer." (Supplied by Debbie Currier)

Subject: Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine.  They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. (Supplied by Kate Gardener)

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted. (Supplied by Jezz Warren)

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there ," indicating the sender.  She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.  The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off.  Just send the bottle back." (Supplied by Kate Gardener)

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. 
"Sir," she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."  He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP, and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. 
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Men Never Listen. (Supplied by Maggie Webb)

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.  "What was that for?"
he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied and apologises.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned" she replied. (Supplied by Maggie Webb)

A young man called Peter invited his Mother for dinner.  During the course of the meal, his Mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate was.  She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying; "ever since your Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter.  So he sat down and wrote;

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love Peter.

Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his Mother which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.

Love Mum  (Supplied by Jezz Warren)

Got a joke for waynealton.com - send it to us and we'll put it in here and credit your name next to it (subject to approval).

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at a point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.  The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him 2 enter his password, he made it obvious to his wife that he was keying in. +PENIS+
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

"PASSWORD NOT LONG ENOUGH"  (Supplied by Jezz Warren)

Making Love

The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love
with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the
back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave
finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her
body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet with mah tongue and she floats
12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished
shaggin' me bord, I get out of da bed, walk over to
d'window and wipe me knob on da curtain. She hits da fockin' roof.  (Supplied by Maggie Webb)

Jim and Mary

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.  One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. The medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act and he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell her the news,he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, so I believe  you've regained your senses. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."  Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." (Supplied by Maggie Webb)

Dead bodies
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner. Second body: Scotsman,25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Mossie Quinn the redneck from Kerry, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken." (Supplied by Maggie Webb)

Boy oh boy
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his Grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went
out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his Grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied; "they're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his Grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his Grandmother replied; "they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his Grandmother said; "Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue." (Supplied by Maggie Webb)

Chinese Meal

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.  Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.  He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
You're going to love this....................
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peking Duck ." (Supplied by Maggie Webb)

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting with St. Peter at the "Pearly Gates" when all of sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized.
"Yes," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that." (Supplied by Maggie Webb)

Two blondes walk into a building.......you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
 

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"